When I was a little girl growing up in the Pentecostal Church I remember so many conflicting things. I remember having wonderful times outside with my cousins and my sister playing games while the “grownups” were inside the tent, with my Uncle Charles preaching and my mom, aunts, uncles , cousins and the rest of the congregation listening to the sermon and singing. Those were some of my better memories. There were other times when I would listen to the sermon and particularly as a teenager, it seemed that everything I thought or said or did was condemning me to hell. I remember my Uncle preaching to fear God and I remember in my earliest years thinking that is the most ridiculous thing I could ever hear. Why would anyone worship a God who required them to fear him? It never made any sense to me. Yet in the back of my mind and in my heart and Soul I knew that God was always with me, I always felt his love and protection, yet I never felt fearful, of God. It seemed to me like that was a contrived statement from people who did not in the slightest understand God or the essence of what it meant to be alive. Yet, these were the adults that I was surrounded with and loved with all my heart. I wondered, where exactly am I from? I didn’t quite fit in with the people and the family I was born into. Much of what they said was confusing at best and conflicted at most. I would hear one thing and witness the exact opposite behavior. So many things did not make sense to me from my earliest days on this earth. I often felt like an alien in a foreign land that loved the people and the planet I inhabited and lived with but could not begin to comprehend the meaning of why am I here? What could I possibly share and/or learn with these beautiful confused frightened beings I called family?
When I moved away from the family I felt I could finally breathe freely and actually explore who am I and why am I here? I began simply by looking up the word fear in the dictionary. I could not fathom or come to any type of agreement with a God that I had to fear. It simply made no sense and I refused to worship anything or anyone I had to fear. When I looked up this definition I saw many different “meanings” and one of them was, : to have a reverential awe of <fear God>. This finally made sense to me and I realized, which I always felt to be true, that the truth was in fact being presented to me through my biblical teachings, but the people teaching me… family, were actually ignorant of what in fact they were teaching. Reverential awe made total sense to me. I have always felt, and still do, a reverential awe for God and all life, which to me, is simply an aspect of God. I have always been and always will be in love with God and all of Life that shows up as different aspects, representations, prisms of God. You call it what you will, I know everything to be God.
Keep in mind, it took me a very long time to even be able to use the word God. I discovered A Course in Miracles about 20 plus years ago but rejected it at first because of the biblical language. In my mind, the God that most Christians worshipped, certainly my family and the ones I came in contact with, was insane. I compared it with mythology and the Greek & Roman Gods. It seemed to me the God most Christians worshiped was really a carbon copy of Zeus who played chess with the lives of humans and deemed some beings worthy of Heaven while others were doomed to hell. That said, even the ones worthy, had to be put through trials and tests that were horrific at best and just plain cruel. Again, made no sense to me and I simply wouldn’t agree to this interpretation.
Then I discovered BodyTalk and began a lifelong in-depth study of Me and my relationship with God and this world. What a beautiful world I discovered. I have now come full circle and am quite comfortable in my relationship with God. Not as some outside source that decides whether I am blessed to have a good life or cursed to hell. Instead I know God to be “All that I am” and all that anyone or anything is. I know God as pure Love, pure Bliss, pure Energy. I am in love with my Life and the world around me. Do I feel the sadness of others? Yes, I certainly do and probably more intensely than I ever had, which is saying something because at one point I simply wanted to leave this planet ( actually to be honest, much of my earlier life I wanted to leave this planet). I remember after my mom died, watching the movie, The Green Mile…. I so related to Big John and the way he felt everything and in his words, “He killed them with their love, it happens all the time.” In the movie he opted for execution rather than continuing to live in this world where he truly felt all the pain of everyone he came in contact with. I totally related to that movie and I remember sobbing after watching it because that is how I felt.
Now, after all these years, I feel it even more deeply and yet, I feel my connection to Source, to God, even more deeply and I know in my heart, in my Soul “All is Well”.
Blessed Be - I Love You - Always, In Gratitude & Love, I Am